Krunk Krafts: Inaugural Edition
In this week’s inaugural edition of Krunk Krafts, Parker and Kassie share their special take on two holiday classics: hot cocoa and festive wreaths.
Kassie: So far so good. Parker is taking the photography aspect a lot more seriously than anything else. He’s rigged up a pretty festive backdrop, so when we put together these shitty wreaths, they’ll be shown in front of an immaculate background.
WARNING: Parker’s gone full American Beauty. There’s a plastic bag involved.
Parker: Kassie, I need you to help out. Don’t laugh. I need you to hold this light and bag…
K: Parker, can we start drinking yet?
P: No! I’m not done taking pictures! We need soft lighting! Okay, but we can now. Gently apply the cocoa over the candy cane. I don’t know the ratios, but I think we base it on your level of alcoholism. A couple glugs.
K: Can you fit a tiny ship in that bottle yet?
P: Do you have a tiny ship?
K: Don’t you?
P: It’s in my car. By the hookers.
K: I’m just writing everything down.
P: right, but the end of of this it should be completely disingenuous and make us sound incredibly sexy…Ugh, my pecs hurt so bad on my firm body.
K: So what do you think of the drink?
P: It reminds me of that time I swallowed Listerine except I don’t have to go to the doctor.
K: I like it.
P: It is incredibly minty though. Like dentist level.
K: Maybe we shouldn’t have also stirred it with candy canes?
P: No.In for a penny in for a pound. Also, Is this actually an excersize in psychoanalysis? There’s a lot of suspicious typing going on over there. “Patient exhibits signs of mania, but his pecs are still so damn sexy? What is a peck? Four in a bushel?” Pose the question to our fan base.
(Parker spills googly eyes everywhere)
K: It’s really, cleansing, in my lungs.
P: Right, like smoking menthols. But at the dentist. So it’s healthy.
K: Do you think googly eyes float?
P: How do people enjoy their food if they have to take all these macro photos of it?
K: I think next time we should go fruitier.
P: Like yellow socks on Tuesday fruitier?
K: I was thinking more a juice based cocktail.
P: Glurg. I can share that recipe with the world.
K: We should probably add candy canes to it… I actually hate candy canes.
P: They make good prison shivs.
(Parker attempts to work his candy cane into a dangerous point)
K: It’s like eating chocolate then brushing your teeth
P: Like andes mints then brushing your teeth.
K: I’m not proofreading anything btw.
P: We should have someone completely illiterate be our copy editor.
(Acclimation. Welcome to the team Chris. Kassie continues to write a mysterious amount of text on the laptop)
P: This is like going to the doctor where they write a lot of stuff and then ask you a lot of questions.
K: I’m not sorry. I’m sending this to your doctor immediately. Maybe I’ll send them a tasteful wreath as well.
P: Send them mine and they’re likely to admit me.
K: Oh god. I’ve got peppermint in my brain.
P: It’s slowly taking over my body. I’m going to be come a peppermint snowman.
K: It’s how frosty started.
P: There must have been something in that corn cob pipe. “hey kids…blaze it.”
K:Are we going to generate ad revenue from this?
P: The most likely way for this to make us money is if it gets hacked.
K: Im liking this less and less as I drink
P: Im actually the opposite, but that might just be the schnapps kicking in. Adjust your ration – 1:1.
(Kassie shouts something about Baklava at the TV – I should probably do a better job keeping up with the Packers. Damn I want Baklava now.) (It was actually about my intense dislike for Bakhtiari, but Parker was close enough)
P: Can I switch to Jameson?
K: No Parker, you are only allowed to drink this drink.
K: Oh god, do I have to make more Cocoa?
P: To quote Kassie Baron: “You are only allowed to drink this drink.”
P: This is terrible.
K: To quote Parker Smith: “To quote Kassie Baron: You are only allowed to drink this drink.” What were we talking about again?
P: I don’t know. Either something witty or my luscious pecs.
K: We need to get some fly ass word art
(We got fly ass word art)
P: (reading tutorial) So far it looks like she’s Charlie Browning it and then a wreath happens. Just wave your hands around a lot.
P: So that didn’t work. “Gather Evenly.” What the hell does that even mean?
K: I’m crushing this. Yeah get it! (Kassie now has loops of material a quarter way around a metal hoop, vaguely resembling a ribbon wreath.)
P: We’re going to need to stop the witty banter regarding prostitutes for a moment here while I try to remember my WordPress password.
(Kassie has managed to make a wreath in the time it took me to recover my account password. She has “crushed it”)
K: Is this my drink or yours?
P: You just poured them both. They should be the same. Unless you’ve poisoned mine.
K: Holy tits! Wow! I think there’s half a bottle in there!
P: Alright. I should probably try to start making a wreath.
K: Really? Do you really want to compete with this? I actually called your mom before we started tonight, she said “This is probably going to contribute to Parkers feelings of inadaquicy.” She warned me not to proceed. But here we are. That’s why I’m writing it all down for your doctor.
P: Jesus I cant even spell the word inadaquicy [sic]. Im going to blame this on the schnaps [sic].
K: IT’S CHRISTMAS LOLLIPOPS PARKER! YOU CAN’T EVEN TOUCH MY SHIT!
(Kassie is insisting that I look at this mass of ribbons. I’m looking at it.)
P: Do I tie it in the middle?
K: it’s a circle, Parker. It’s all the middle.
P: I feel like I’m working with the most flamboyant captains wheel ever made. Mr. Ashenbrenner spent a long time teaching us how to tie knots. I don’t think this is what he had in mind.
(Parker is trying to gather evenly. He’s not)
P: I’m doing it. I’m doing it!
K: the two drink minimum before starting was a great idea. I’m fermented right now.
P: Preserved. Well preserved.
(Kassie used all the mesh and Parker has to improvise)
P: I think you’ve sabotaged me. You did this much more elegantly than I did. My head is all up in this bitch.
P: I’m going to have to be resourceful. Our fan base will vote for which one is better. I’m paying my parents to vote by the way.
K: Your mom will still vote for me.
P: You did call her beforehand.
K: Oh god, even my lips are minty.
P: Maybe menthol was a bad choice.
K: unless you’re smoking cigarettes in the hood.
P: did you remember to crush the flavor bead?
P: It’s not helping my inadequacy that I’m now using materials that are literally a quarter the size of yours.
K: Try twisting it one time. No, one time. Stop. Listen to my words.
P: I’M MAKING ART. But this still looks like shit.
K: Because you suck at it. Actually no, that looks okay. That looks nice actually.
P: I’d like to thank the academy.
P: If this was real Krunk Krafts shouldn’t one of us be yelling, YEAH YEAH. the whole time?
K: THAT’S SOME SHIT I DO LIKE!!! You’re welcome.
P: this is probably the most I’ve concentrated since the ACTs.
P: I would like Miss Universe a lot more if Angela Merkel were Miss Germany
(Parker incredulously shouts “Seal” while Kassie lovingly whispers “Seaaaaaal”)
K: my hot chocolate is cold.
P: yah, mine probably is too. Want to nuke them?
(Parker begins singing 16 Tons).
P: I’ve got to sing worker songs to get through this.
P: Wait, Pitbull’s still a thing.
K: Why does he look like he’s 95 without his sunglasses?
P: He looks like a non sexy version of…
K: A potato
P: Anderson Cooper. You say potato I say Anderson Cooper. What’s happening with Steve Harvey right now is palpably awkward.
K: Want to watch Murder She Wrote?
P: I would like to see Miss Ireland in a swimsuit.
K: (heavy sigh of resignation and feminist rage.)
P: Okay I can’t take Steve Harvey. Let’s watch Murder She Wrote.
(Kassie left the room to grab the Roku. On the table are two wreaths, one clearly better than the other, and a menagerie of mint-flavored crap)
P: It’s probably a good thing we stopped watching that. Our word count would be far too high if we spent the next hour providing social commentary on Mrs. Universe. Or Ms. Ireland’s swimsuit.
K: If it’s fine with you I’m just going to use all of this (Kassie is aggressively attacking her wreath with literally all of the remaining materials)
P: Yeah, that’s fine, I’m used to being the underdog. I’ll just have to be resourceful (Parker’s glistening pecks are clearly providing an unfair advantage in this Holiday competition)
Murder She Wrote: Jess, Can you tell me why my tounge feels like outdoor carpeting?
K: It’s probably the peppermint schnapps!
K: Welcome to the pro craft circuit. You’re at amateur level.
P: Really? Get the plastic bag. This isn’t even my final form!
P: What can I do with the tin foil?
(Parker begins shoving tin foil in to his uneven gathers)
K: I’m going to see if my mom can tell who made which wreath.
P: Really Kassie? This is like if Martha Stewart invited her slow nephew onto the Christmas special briefly before hiding him once again in the shadows.
Kassie’s Mom: Yeah. These are really… nice.
K: So you’re going to hang this on the front door right?
P: Boom! The piece de la
(De la what Parker? DE LA WHAT?!)
Kassie’s Mom: I’ve got to go do the property tax forms.
P: You better do them quick – these wreaths are jacking up your property values as we speak.
K: I can’t use zipties to hang this thing. It will ruin the esthetic! What do I use to hang these?
P: How about a noose – put them out of their misery.
K: There. Now they look like two pendulous testicles. Look at them go! (Two aptly defined ornaments dangle from a wreath with Kassie towering behind it)